When the bottom falls out


I thought I had reached the bottom. The very bottom. The worst place. The most disappointed I could ever feel.

When the man running to be the president of the United states was caught on tape bragging about sexual assaulting women and faith leaders shrugged their shoulders because after all he was still better than that woman I thought I had reached the depth of disappointment I could feel with the church. I thought the pain I felt at those who made excuses and those who were simply silent was the worst the pain could get

I was wrong.

Roy Moore is a pedophile. He is a pedophile running for the Senate in Alabama. He waited around outside of divorce court and custody proceedings grooming his prey until he could act. He was banned from shopping malls because all he did was try to hit on teenage girls. He plied them with alcohol to make them more susceptible to his disgusting actions. He threatened the girls with his power as the District Attorney. Reminding them that nobody would believe them if they chose to tell somebody of the things he had done. 

He said and did all these things while also saying things like 9/11 happened because we "legalize sodomy" and "legitimize abortion" in this country. He is the literal definition of a hypocrite. Claiming to be a follower of Christ with his words but in his deeds showing himself to be a follower of something far more evil. 

And what did Evangelicals do? We just got right in line didn't we? Don't lie. I saw you. Your Facebook posts were brazen. Calling into question the women who were brave enough to speak. Calling the 30 sourced Washington Post article that reported the accusations "fake news". I saw you bring up other politicians; (Bill Clinton, JFK) pointing your fingers at them as if the injustices of the past justify the injustices of the present. I saw you re-post the asinine and sacrilegious excuses other so called Christian politicians made. Comparing this criminal's actions to Mary and Joseph. It's almost funny how much you missed the point. The whole point of Mary and Joseph's story is that he didn't have sex with her. The whole point of Mary and Joseph's story is that the Holy Spirit moved in powerful ways in the lives of ordinary people. And you put them in the same sentence as this man? It would almost be funny.

If it wasn't so disgusting.

I am digusted.

I am tired

I am so angry I can barely type these words.

What in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ are we doing? We don't worship him anymore. We're worshiping at the seat of power. We are so lustful for power on this earth that we have sold our souls to the enemy. When I was growing up in youth group they used to tell us all the time that "the world will try to convince you that sin is holy. That wrong is right. That up is down. And you need to be ready to combat it."

They were right. There are people trying to convince us sin is holy. That up is down. That wrong is right. Where they were wrong wasn't in the message, but in who would speak it. It's not the world outside. It's us. We are in the horror movie where the call from the murderer is coming from inside the house. The enemy has dressed up like a wolf in sheep's clothing. He's been hiding in our midst and now he has come to steal kill and destroy. He is the Father of Lies. And we fall for them so easily.

And the bottom fell out of the discouragement I thought I could feel. I thought I couldn't fall any deeper into the depths of despair. But I was wrong. My heart is sick. My spirit is sick. When will you care about us? We're sitting in your churches, desperately asking you to care. Desperately asking you to protect us. And you won't. You're silent. You're complicit. You enable the men who hurt us. You talk about the need to protect our morality, our purity. But that's all it is...talk. Because when the moment comes for you to protect us. To speak up for us. You call us liars. Or you stay silent.  Or you make excuses. Or you blame others. You do everything but show us you care.

It feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with American Christian Culture. It promises me it loves me. That it never meant to hurt me. That it was just having a bad day and it will never do that to me again. And I believe it. So I come back. And then I get backhanded across the face again. This situation is not workable in the long term. And right now the only solution I can see is to throw in the towel. 

I don't want to. I have seen my role as the one who stays and speaks truth. I think if we all pack our bags and get out then nothing will ever change. And I still believe that. I do. But I don't know how to do the work when the work beats me down so intensely. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel up to the battle. But tonight I have to put down my sword and cry. Because I wish you all cared enough to see us. To fight for us. To love us. 

I don't know what happens from here. Everything is uncertain. Two things I know for sure; One, my heart is broken and grieved. And two, the heart of God is bent towards powerful justice and his name will not be mocked. His mighty wind is going to blow through our temples soon; blowing out all the dust in them. I hope we're ready. I hope our foundation is strong; otherwise that wind will blow us right out with the rest of the chaff. 

Even so come quickly Lord Jesus. Bring your Justice. You haven't forgetten your daughters even though your church has. You will always do right by us. We will be saved. 


Janelle SaaybeComment