All Will Be Well
When the traditional Sunday morning worship followed by a sermon no longer pack the same punch they used to in your life you get good at finding the spiritual in other places. Music and reading have always been important to me but never more so than as I walk this windy road of doubt, certainty, anger, love, and apathy. These two intersected in a beautiful way for me this past week and I needed to get down that connection because again it was a moment where out of the darkness I felt the Spirit that I struggle so hard to believe in really speak to me.
I've been very interested in reading the ancient writing of church mothers and fathers. Growing up Protestant we really didn't spend much time focusing on these pillars of the faith which is really a shame because as I'm discovering now they have tremendous things to teach us. I've been reading a book about Julian of Norwich and was shocked to discover that she is the author of a quote I come back to over and over again in time of stress. She says
All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well
I read that and felt a jolt go through me because I recognized that sentiment from something else I turn to in times of great stress...music. A song that I have loved and listened to for years (All Will Be Well by the Gabe Dixon Band) has taken this very sentiment, put music behind it, and deeper words around it to create something that when listened to gives me a spiritual lift that lately I can't seem to find anywhere else. If you haven't listened to the song go to the bottom of this post and listen to it now because I want to pull out a few specific lines and write a bit about what these lines have meant to me in shaping the story of past and the possibilities of my future.
All will be well. Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself.
I am often the most complicit in creating the chaos that surrounds me. I’m really good at decreeing that I will no longer do such and such. I will be a better listener. I will stop over thinking. I will stop worrying. And of course a moment later I don’t listen to the person I’m talking with because I’m thinking about what a friend of mine meant when she said that thing earlier in the day. I want to get to a place where yes I continue to work on those parts of myself, but also a place where I keep sight of the fact that even when I mess up...all will be well.
And a mess is still a moment I can seize until I know, that all will be well. Even though sometimes this is hard to tell. And the fight is just as frustrating as hell. All will be well.
Perfectionism is paralyzing. I can spend so much time worrying that I'm potentially making a mistake that I never actual move forward in any direction. But here's the thing I'm learning... a mistake doesn’t always have far reaching terrible consequences. In fact a lot of the time a mistake, while it may detour me for a bit, can end up being a time of tremendous growth. When I look at moments in my life where I made a clearly wrong choice I don't just see the negative consequences of that choice; I see how that choice shaped me into the person I am today. I want to get to a place where when I make a mistake I wait before berating myself. I want to be able to wait until that mess becomes my moment.
All will be well. You can ask me how but only time will tell.
And that’s really it right? It’s only when time has passed that we are able to look back and see that contrary to what we thought everything isn’t terrible. I am determined to get to a place where I still have confidence in the moments where my whole world and foundation seems to be crumbling around me.
When I have no clue about the direction my life is supposed to take.
When I’m worried I made a wrong choice.
When I feel like I'll never feel at home in a church again
When time seems to be my enemy.
I want to be able to say I don’t know what’s happening, but there is one thing I do know:
All will be well.