I am Resolved


It's a new year

Twelve months stretch out before me. Open and empty. Ready to be filled with conversations; with hopes and dreams. I'll go places, and I'll stay home. I'll meet new people, I'll grow closer to the some, drift apart from others. I'll work. I'll play. I'll love.

I'm not one for making tons of resolutions. At least not ones you can measure in concrete ways; exercise more, read my Bible, do something new every day. Rather my resolutions have more to be do with the actual meaning behind the words "I am resolved". I have resolved a few things.

I have resolved that I will live not in fear and anxiety, but in hope and joy. There have been moments in the year that passed that brought tremendous anxiety to my soul. I have resolved that when those feelings come I will move them from the engine room of my mind; they will not drive me. They'll have to answer to the hope and joy I know resides in even the darkest moment, if you just look for it. I am resolved

I have resolved that I will insist on being seen and heard. I will write, I will speak, I will be the person that drives you crazy every time you see I've written something new on Facebook. "Is she going on about that again?" Yes I am. "Will she ever give it a rest?" No, I won't. You find my tendency to see the patriarchy in everything annoying? I find it unbearable to live in it. You find my insistence that American Evangelicalism has lost its way repetitive? Join the club. I am resolved

I am resolved that "The Church" I love so dearly will not go down without a fight. A political party will not wrestle it away from me. I am resolved to call out the blindness and complicit silence too many of us white Christians participate in every day. I won't stop. Why? Because we're about to walk off a cliff. And you don't stop yelling when someone you love is about to plummet to their death. You don't worry about coming across as nice, or with a gentle spirit when death is on the line. Someday, sooner than I think, it will be my turn. My turn to go the wrong way. And I hope you would be just as resolved to stop me. I am resolved

I am resolved that I will hold my theology with an open hand. That I will not squeeze the life out of it with my certainty. That I won't be so sure that the way I read the Bible is the only way to read it. That my way to experience the spirit of God is the only way to experience it. And I resolve to not let those voices that insist I be sure sway me. I am resolved to reject theology that doesn't leave space for the commandments Jesus told us all the others are built on; loving the Lord with my whole being and my neighbor like I love myself. I am resolved.

I am resolved to try again. When I lose a battle I'll get up and move on. When I'm afraid and let an opportunity slip by I'll do better next time. When I'm worried about what tomorrow will bring I'll get up and face the day anyway. I am resolved. 

I am resolved to give church a chance again. To try and set roots down in one building, in one place. To open my heart up to community again. I am resolved that the fear that envelopes me at the thought of trying again won't control me. My leaves look dead and withered. But my roots have life in them yet. I resolve to plant them again. I am resolved.

I am resolved that I will end the year not having accomplished all I resolved. That's okay. I resolve to keep trying. It's a cliche but it's true. Life is the journey not the destination. And I am resolved to do that journey well. 

I am resolved that all will be well.

I am resolved.


Janelle SaaybeComment